Building a relationship during times of stress (or the hubbub of the holiday season) sometimes seems like the last thing we want to do.
With everything else seeming more important, it’s easy to fall into familiar traps where we see the other person as our aggravating, progress-blocking, obstacle who is doing whatever they’re doing to hurt us… on purpose.
Often this is not true at all, in reality it’s just a distraction from intimacy manufactured from conclusions we’re jumping to, or the desire to protect ourselves without really knowing the full story.
However, there are times when the other person really is trying to get under our skin or deliver a few well placed emotional punches.
No matter how innocently it begins, without thoughtfulness it always escalates.
A poorly chosen word, a reaction, spines going up, assumptions made, angry energy brewing, pretty soon everyone is pointing the finger at someone else and relationship building is the furthest thing from anyone’s mind. But when faced with this contentious energy, we actually have an amazing opportunity to join and to build the relationship to an even higher level of connection.
It’s in these times when we’re diving to protect ourselves or wanting to lash out, that we’re so very close to a core problem, issue, or hurt that is trying to be clarified and healed.
The next time you feel overwhelmed with irritation, blame, rage (and their silent partners self-attack and guilt) this holiday season, you can choose a different tactic and find a way to develop and advance the relationship; instead of buying into the other person’s “set up” of failure or fight, you can simply choose not to take on their energy and run with it with your OWN reaction. That alone takes you half way towards an authentic exchange.
Take a moment to make a choice whether this fight will derail your precious time and energy or whether you can make a more conscious choice. When you do that, you take the power away from all the hurtful reactions and cross reactions and gain responsibility for your choices. You’re empowered to build a better understanding and uncover the truth.
A friend saw her mom leap from a sunny demeanor to angry, attacking, put-down in the blink of an eye. Her past holiday pattern had been to withdraw in pain and hurt feelings until she eventually exploded in a fight or imploded with blame against herself and her mother. Finally, exhausted, she made a decision to not buy into her mother’s external behaviour this year but instead to dig a little deeper. Hadn’t mom been feeling ill lately? Could pain be creating her hair-trigger response? Do I really need to escalate this fight?
She realized that joining wasn’t about who was right and who was wrong, and she decided that being the most suffering or showing mom how hurt she was wasn’t as important as simply learning what this experience was all about. She approached mom with a hug and said she wanted to know what was really going on and said that the way things were was simply not working for anyone.
With the fight out of the way, mom admitted to being stressed and afraid and daughter aired her own feelings and experience. With the air taken away from the sails of attack, this became an honest and tender conversation instead of a blow out.
No, not every open conversation in a stressful time will have you hugging, or making snow angels like in a schmaltzy holiday movie. But the more you practice the principle of letting your own “anger” reaction take a back seat to being honest and loving, the more you will take yourself out of situations the limit, obscure and block the path.
The more you will build a relationship in which both people feel safe to talk about stress, fear, and what is and isn’t working without blame. The more you and your loved one will work through things TOGETHER and build the relationship and find brilliant new solutions to old problems.
*Let yourself feel the flush of anger (or however you feel! It’s YOUR feeling… no-one can tell you it’s right or wrong) … but allow yourself to have some distance or take a break to come back to your more true nature, your grounding, your balance. Walk away if you need to – but be sure to come back and deal with things head on.
*Love and joining is about innocence too, so suspending the conclusions you’re jumping to can open the door into all kinds of truths you didn’t know before that could open your compassion and understanding. Be willing to learn instead of just defending your position. Aunt Myrtle might not have lost your fruit cake on purpose!
*Most of the time, when people are not at their best what they really want (if they could ask in a better way) is understanding and acceptance. Remember that we’re all aiming for love and to be cared about. It might seem the toughest thing of all to give in “indignation” … but if you can give that love or understanding that you want from others, they will return the favour.
*Joining and building the relationship might seem to be built on great holiday moments where everything is perfect, but in reality it’s overcoming hurt or connecting instead of fighting that can make the greatest and strongest bonds grow. These end up being more powerful building materials than the “perfect” event or being right in a fight.
*Take the pressure off. If we’re not careful we can be in a whirlwind of fighting so hard for perfection that we don’t take the time to smell the cookies or enjoy the gift from those who are trying their best to be here in our world… RIGHT NOW!
In addition to working with local clients and students, she is able to consult with clients all over the world. She is also phenomenal artist, writer and teacher who contributes to numerous websites.
She is available for chat and phone sessions, offering a variety of payment options. Learn more about her and schedule a session with her through her Psychic Scoop profile page.
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