A few years ago I started hearing a new kind of jargon from people seeking romantic guidance, “What are his / her intentions?”
When I first started hearing it, it seemed like a weird question. After all, relationships are organic, flowing and dynamic and people rarely have fixed “intentions,” exact blueprints or robotic instructions of what they want and how they wish to proceed. Nope. Most people (just like you) are trying to understand another person, decide how they fit in their lives and protect their heart from hurt in the process.
I quickly tuned into the fact that what people really wanted to know was whether or not the person they were seeing was interested the same kind of relationship they were. Does he want a relationship? Is she interested in me the same way I am? And while this might have been a more obvious process a few decades ago (don’t people talk openly anymore?) modern dating has made figuring out how another person feels a more complicated and confusing process as dating (and social technology and social media) changes the relationship landscape.
In a two-part article series I’m going to look at those two most burning questions rolled up into that “intentions” question: Today’s Part 1 explores how to tell if a person wants to get INTO a relationship with you and Part 2 helps you tell if a person wants to get OUT of a relationship with you.
While there is no set “formula” or one-size-fits-all pattern for figuring out the emotions and motivations of another person, there are a few energetic “sign-posts” that can show you if someone is open and wants to be in a relationship with you once you have a mutual attraction and have gotten to know each other:
1) What do you want?
After several outings with a charming, funny and intelligent date, it’s only natural to wonder, Do they want to see you as a casual date? Are they interested in a more serious connection? Do they keep you around as someone to spend time with until something better comes along? Since relationships can be mirrors… being totally honest with yourself about what YOU really feel and what you really want can help you understand your date. I often hear, “I’m not really sure if I’m that attracted to him, and I don’t like his job, but I’m enjoying him until what I really want comes along” from the person doing the wondering. It pays to be completely honest with yourself, you just might find that your partner wants the same thing you do!
2) They will tell you
Believe it or not, a new connection will almost always tell you how they see you at this point in your journey together. But you may or may not really listen to it depending on how much you need the relationship to work out and whether or not your ability to listen to this nugget of “truth” is mired in your own attachments or desires. The person who wants to be in a real relationship with you will often tell you that they see you that way! They will discuss serious things with you and will give you glimpses into their interior emotional world and will talk about relationship commitment or how they feel about serious relationships in general. They will refer to future events in context with still knowing you. The person who isn’t interested in a relationship with you will often keep things “light” and won’t really discuss serious matters of the heart and will steer conversations away from relationships in general. In fact, they might even tell you why they AREN’T ready for a relationship! One caveat here though: if a person you JUST met yesterday says they want to be your boyfriend/girlfriend, it’s unlikely that they are basing this decision on who you are as a person and they’re not making a true heart choice. Letting you know they want a relationship “fast” can be just as big a red flag as telling you they don’t.
3) They’re consistent
Someone who is interested in moving forward in a relationship with you will show you the energy of consistency in communication, spending time together and other ways too. Unless they have a legitimate (and rare) excuse, they answer phone calls and texts and will take their turn in making contact and will help keep the stream of communication and connection flowing. Of course they probably won’t be in constant communication with you every minute of the day, but they will not blow you off or flake out on important dates or events. They do not disappear for long stretches of time and they don’t leave you wondering what they think (especially in the first weeks of a new connection). The person who is on the fence or interested in a casual connection has other irons in the fire and doesn’t make you a priority. All people have their own lives, hobbies and interests. A partner can’t (and shouldn’t) smother you with being fused to you every waking moment, but a serious person will keep showing you their interest in wanting to know you in a consistent way.
4) They Connect You to Their World
Someone who wants to be in a relationship with you will start building energetic connections between you and their larger world. In time they will invite you to an activity with close friends, introduce you to family members and share your presence with the people they work with. They will share their passions and important life elements with you. if your date keeps you hidden and never introduces you to anyone in their world… it can be a sign that they aren’t sure they want you in that world full time. Also, a person with no past, no friends, no “connections” or no World of their own is a huge red flag and can be a sign of serious trouble.
5) They don’t speak the language of “WANTS”
The person interested in a relationship with you speaks in a language of LEARNING. They want to know how you’re feeling and want to learn more about you on a deeper level. They’ll ask you questions that aren’t based on their wants. “What do you think of…?” “How do you feel?” Relationships are all about relating and the person who wants a relationship will want to RELATE to you, not just “get” something from you. Have you ever noticed that people who are interested in hooking up or casual sex or money or whatever else… often steer conversations in that direction? Speaking in a language of WANTS is a sign that a person is focused on you for a purpose and not a real relationship. If your grandmother is sick and your date comments on how sexy you look, or if you try to discuss more serious things and they revert to trying to talk about what they want or need… (money, sex, etc). Or if they see you when and how it suits THEM, — it’s a sign that you’re only important for a specific purpose and that’s it.
6) Now is good
The person who wants to be in a relationship thinks now is a WONDERFUL time to be in a relationship with you. They don’t make excuses about “when x,y,z happens.. then I’ll be ready.” — Life is full of ups and downs there’s never going to be “perfect” circumstances for anything. That’s the way life is. A person who embraces the full path of relationship knows that they want to share those ups and downs WITH you. The person who is not sure of relationship or doesn’t want one is “not ready” or makes excuses about why they aren’t. Note: It’s true that sometimes there are real life circumstances that prevent relationship from moving forward, -but the person who really cares about you will either earnestly work to rectify those circumstances or will let you go because they care about your happiness.
7) You will Know
The second item on this list is so important it’s on here in two different forms. If your date is interested in being in a relationship with you it will not be a big mystery. In small (and large) ways – they will make make their feelings known. Because we’re all human and we all have fears, your date may not do this in the best or most graceful of ways … but in general the emotionally mature person will share their feelings and be willing to learn about yours. That is, after all, what a relationship is all about. If communication isn’t happening in the beginning of a connection, it bears examination as to whether it ever will.
If you find yourself confused about the energies of attraction and desire to be in a relationship, don’t hesitate to visit me for a personal reading and session. And be sure to check back next week for part 2 which will be about how to tell if someone wants to end a relationship but is not clearly communicating that.
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In addition to working with local clients and students, she is able to consult with clients all over the world. She is also phenomenal artist, writer and teacher who contributes to numerous websites.
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