How often do we hear people saying they have a list of things they want to find in a relationship? I don’t think I ever hear anyone saying what they don’t want.
When talking about relationships, be they friends, family or love, most people have a good idea of what they expect to get or what they should give. Most never consider what they really don’t want in those type of relationships.
In love relationships, we often focus on looks, financial success and the list goes on of good qualities. Do we ever focus on the bad qualities we don’t want?
If your childhood was full of drama and chaos, would you want that for your own children? If your father or mother were abusive, should you accept the same fate just because the other person is good looking or can offer financial stability?
Instead of looking for those good qualities, it might be better to look at how they treat other people, especially their own family.
Sometimes we have to look behind the mask others use to portray themselves in a new relationship. Who is that person once the mask falls away? We all are on our best behavior when first dating, but watching how they treat others may be a better way to judge if that’s someone you don’t want.
This is especially true if you have children from a previous marriage or relationship. Showering you and your children with too much attention and lots of nice presents may actually be a warning sign. What comes from the heart is always more real than what comes from the wallet.
Opposites don’t always work, be they family, friends or a lover. If you are an upbeat positive person, it will be hard to have a good relationship with someone that is negative and never sees the good in anything. This can be very trying when it’s a family member, but sometimes you have to step away from them for short periods of time to regain your own outlook. Having toxic people in your family are the hardest to avoid, but should give you an insight into what you do not want in a relationship with a friend or lover.
If you are active and outgoing, would you want to be tied to someone that never wants to get off the couch? You love listening to music, both while driving in the car and dancing around the house. Would you really want to be with someone that turns off the music in the car and thinks you’re stupid for dancing around the house? This is not say you should both enjoy everything together, it’s good to have your own interest, but you should have some interest in common.
I usually ask couples that have been married or in relationships for many years the key to their success. The answer I most often get is they are my best friend. This makes me think that if we don’t want certain qualities in our friends maybe that should be a guide for what we don’t want in our significant other also.
Unless you are very young and just starting to build relationships, keep in mind we all come with some kind of baggage. We are all human, with flaws, quirks and crazy habits, no one is perfect. Every relationship, no matter family, friend or love, will have its problems, high points and low points. It might be fair to say, no relationship will be perfect. We will never be or find that perfect person, they don’t exist.
Focusing on what you really cannot accept in someone else, rather than what they can give you might be a good way to choose who you don’t want in your life. Just be sure to keep in mind you have your own flaws, quirks and craziness, you are not perfect either.
Blessings, Ms Yvonne
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