Our culture has a really strange relationship with dating. We love it to seek dates, buy online dating subscriptions and figure out every way in the world to get more dates by improving our appearance and doing inner work… but honestly? We also mistrust it and dread it.
Most people hate to date because they’re actually afraid of getting hurt, of meeting a dangerous person, and of being disappointed.
But what if all that fear was creating a blind spot? Do dates feel weird or uncomfortable? Do you want to avoid losers, time-wasters and creeps?
Why We Hate to Date
Each time we have a ‘bad’ date we feel like saying, “I hate dating, I hate this process… it feels like an unending punishment… I just want to find true love!” But what if those very thoughts were actually helping to create a treadmill that we keep getting on?
Here’s the way it works: when we’re really eager to fall in love, get a partner, or simply get off the dating merry-go-round, we’re willing to ditch our instincts and ability to see things clearly because we’re so eager for the “experiment” of dating to stop. If we’re dating with fear, hunger and need, we’re more likely to miss out on important information, no matter how street-wise or strong we convince ourselves we are.
Our boundaries can falter and we might let time wasters gobble up hours of our lives without even noticing, or we might open the door to trouble because we want to stop looking and get to partnership ASAP! We may settle for someone we really don’t like or we might let the forces of chaos and harm into our precious world. When we try to open up again, we’re gun shy.
Why Dating is So Important
The truth is, dating is actually something that can be really positive, fun and amazing! Dating, and asking questions about new people is a necessary part of developing love and it actually helps our path unfold as we go on dates and have new experiences and it helps us learn about ourselves and bring in the perfect partner.
Dating can be fun when we go with the flow and trust ourselves and embrace this as something awesome in life instead of something we dread. (If you believe in the law of attraction, this is even more important!)
Dating is not something to be skipped over, or rushed through as fast as possible to get to the prize at the end. It’s an essential part of exercising your true HEART, and to affirming your faith, your connection to your core self. The more YOU that you share and value, the stronger you feel and the more fun you have and the more you spot everything you need to see.
This is a boots-on-the-ground activity. There’s great info out there to help you, but you can NOT rely on information from your girlfriends, Facebook, your best dating self help book or your favourite psychics. The angels aren’t going to give you a cheat sheet. You have to use your own eyes, heart, intuition and voice to ask questions in person because there’s always energy that only you can see and experience yourself.
The enjoyment of dating and learning is always exactly what you need to bring you forward on your path and help you attract what is truly meant to enrich your life; love sweet love!
If you’re truly willing to learn, you’ll have better success in the dating world and it will be easier for you to spot traps a mile away and avoid them. You’ll also see what those so-called bad experiences or dates are trying to really tell you. Here are the traps we worry about the most and how your true heart is ready to protect and help you attract the opposite!
Have you ever thought someone was wonderful only to be thoroughly confused about what they might want or feel a short while later? At first there’s lots of chemistry but the more you talk to this person, the less sure and certain you are. This confusing creature often comes about after spending lots of time focusing on “is this the one? how fast is my spouse getting here?” and that makes it easy to focus on how someone acts or whether or not they seem to like us instead of really figuring them out or finding out if we like them.
Here’s how your true heart can help: When we are not feeling loads of pressure to rush to “soul mate” conclusions, we automatically make a magical shift inside. Instead of trying to figure out the other person’s personality, (is he sweet? does he like me? is he funny? is he charming?) you will calmly find out about who they really are inside and if they would be a good match for you – especially if you’re looking for a life partner or parent of your children.
How someone acts, how attracted they seem, their personality and way they express themselves on the outside is like a candy wrapper. The outsides don’t always tell you what’s INSIDE at the level of their true soul and character, especially on the first dates when everyone is trying to impress each other. Kind people can act shy, mean people can act nice or be funny. How someone treats themselves and how they treat others and what they believe is very important.
How to have clarity about your dates and attract great character and soul? Ask yourself how much of your real character and integrity you’re showing in your dates. Are you going along with what others want, or what you want? Are you really being yourself? Are you preoccupied with whether or not a new date likes you or will commit to you? Did you forget to focus on how you feel about them? Are you giving yourself time to really figure out what kind of person they are instead of whether they’re attracted to you or ‘The One’? True clarity comes from you being clear yourself. Showing your true nature, your true character and really focusing on whether or not the other person is doing the same.
Someone who is charming, witty and who says all the right things can seem like Mr./Miss Wonderful. But charm by itself isn’t something that necessarily brings true love and bonding. Insecure manipulators, narcissists, sociopaths and other undesirable partners can also exude extreme charm too. Just because someone seems as smooth as butter, doesn’t mean they’re your new soul mate.
If we’re starving for love, we may miss clues and signals that tell us that the charm is superficial or that there’s something else we need to see. False charmers are intense and come from a FEAR center, they want to lay it on thick so they can “win” or “get” something from us, but at the end of the day they don’t really care what our needs or feelings are.
Here’s how your true heart can help: When we’re strong in self love and self care, we’re less susceptible to superficial charm because we aren’t in a hurry to get love. We’ve GOT the love inside already! Love isn’t coming from someone ELSE, it comes from inside ourselves and our link to Spirit. That way, we aren’t afraid to slow down and ask questions of a new partner and get to know them. We take who the person IS more seriously than what their personality seems to indicate. We won’t fill in holes and gaps that a charmer leaves and fill in the story we desperately NEED to see. We know that all actions speak louder than words and gestures.
How to attract someone attractive, witty and charming? Ask yourself what kind of charm YOU have. You can’t TRY to be charming, you simply are the more you embrace those things you’re passionate about and the more you treat yourself (and others) with respect and boundaries. Charm energy is the GENUINE intention to learn about others, and to share oneself openly. The more you do that, the more interesting your life will truly be, and the more charm you will attract into your relationships.
Someone who is unsettled in life and is always a mess can be a relationship nightmare. This person is so busy dealing with the difficult lessons and challenges of their own life, that they barely have time to work on their role in relationships and even if they’re interested, the constant soap-opera of their lives derails progress.
How your true heart can help: When you’re taking loving care of yourself, you’re grounded in being the person who is always responsible for your emotions and life. Nobody else’s drama can ever take hold of you, even better – you’ll be able to see those people who are a mess before they draw you into their web of problems. Because you’re not willing to sacrifice finding the real partner who is right for you, you won’t keep trying to make a drama-relationship work just because you want a commitment or just because you want to stop dating. You will easily be able to tell the difference between someone with normal every-day problems and someone who is unsettled.
How to attract someone stable? Ask yourself how stable you are. Are you a drifter yourself? Do you have a hard time settling down and committing to jobs or tasks? Is your life a swirling vortex of problems? Are you willing to include other people in your world and share a lesson with them? Are you so eager to find someone to rescue you from your unsettled life that you don’t see if they have an unsettled life too? The more you focus on stability in your own life and taking good care of yourself
This is anyone who is s unavailable to you in some way … they don’t live in the same area, they’re not nearby, they’re in other relationships or always on the move, a relationship is impossible. Believe it or not, this can be easy to overlook.
How your true heart can help: Your true heart knows that when you’re taking care of yourself, someone unavailable isn’t going to meet your needs and because you don’t NEED this date to be the perfect one for you (you know you’ll attract the right person) you won’t be swayed by the temptation to consider someone who just isn’t where you are. If you take your time knowing someone, you’ll absolutely clearly see the ones who are like this.
How to attract someone who is available and ready for relationships? Be ready and available yourself. If you’re focusing on someone who lives a million miles away, or isn’t available for you, you’re not available either. If you are trying to use distance or other barriers and life obstacles from keeping you from ever being really ready, the time is now that you can choose a different way.
Helpful Red Flags to Keep You Safe
Never be scared of seeing a red-flag or identifying a trap if the happen across your path. These aren’t horrible things that say, “this is all you’re going to see, get used to the yuck,” instead these are amazing signals that help you and usually present themselves as a way to indicate to you to go a different, more positive direction . What are they?
How your true heart can help you Your true heart connection and feeling self love can help you carefully assess red flags, traps and qualities in a date that are hard to notice and keep you from falling under their spell and you can have more fun with amazing people who are stable, passionate, sexy, positive, seek partnership, and are really connected to the world. You CANNOT control who you meet on the path, but you can focus on the most important person of all: YOU
1) unstable A stable person has a clear job, a place to live, and financial independence/reliance on themselves. Be careful of anyone missing important “life stability” ingredients!
2) vague and mysterious Life isn’t a romance novel, and this trait isn’t sexy. – An honest person doesn’t dodge or give vague answers unless they’re uncomfortable. Sometimes people use charm and romance to deflect from the areas they wish to hide
3) intense passion, moving fast Anyone who pours on passion and affection might just be love-bombing you and dazzling you with attention and affection so they can get something from you. True passion can be intense.. but it’s never pushy. The right person loves and respects (and HAS!) boundaries. They allow you time to truly get to know them, and for passion to develop. An undesirable or dangerous date has no boundaries and doesn’t want you to have any either so they might “I love you!” and “you’re my soul-mate” really fast.
4) fast sex or sexual preoccupation Everyone has different rules about their sexuality, but one safety rule that is generally true is to be careful in being physically involved with someone until you really know them – even if you want a casual relationship (it’s impossible to really know someone on the first dates) Going home with someone you just met, or worse, allowing them into your home, – is a very bad idea. Someone who is hyper-focused on sex can be a red flag.
5) complaining Be alert if your date complains about ex partners, the waiter, the day, his job and his life – this attitude and perception may trump any positive personal traits and will eventually extend to you
6) anger Almost all damaged people show signs and flashes of anger early on in a relationship. Pay close attention if your date shows anger or rage. Don’t dismiss it if you see “niceness” too.
7) domineering energy People who want to control you can be very confident and sexy, but they also usually show signs early on that something is amiss. Dominating a conversation, constant talking or bragging, constant texting, constant assurances of power and constant affection are all signs of control and domination. Be careful! A powerful, confident, take-charge partner with mastery is never domineering in a negative way.
8) signs of deep problems Pay attention to the world around your date. Does their world include good friends, colleagues and family members? Do they engage their world? Do they love people and are they liked? Signs of deep trouble are those who are disconnected from the world. Do they seem to disappear a lot? Posts like “dude, where are you?” “You, OK?” “Haven’t heard from you in awhile” on social media can be warning signals. Do they have relationships? Do they have relationships with their parents and family? If they have lots of friends who seem to be strangers or flirty posts by FB friends and not “real life” friends, this is also a warning sign. Chemical dependency, firearms, and an attraction to violence or cruelty are all signs to pay careful attention to – run, don’t walk!
How to attract someone who is stable, passionate, sexy, positive, partner seeking, and connected to the world? Be that person too! We attract mostly who and what we are. The best attracting force is simply to always try to be your real true self and always maintain and hold your boundaries. Boundaries are so important in fact, that I wrote another article JUST about boundaries. (Boundaries are not about keeping people OUT, they’re about letting positive influences IN.)
For example – do you focus on how often a guy or girls texts? Do you watch the phone? Are your emotions a roller-coaster? Are you leaving yourself open for hurt? The reality is, you can’t worry about the millions of people out there who are wrong for you, you will drive yourself crazy and scare yourself away from dating. You can only focus on on the one person in the world who matters the most and who truly does have a role in how much love you have in your world: you!
Be happy, be safe, and enjoy yourself.
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