10 Huge Red Flags to Avoid in Dating

Have you ever wondered how to spot a REALLY bad date or negative experience before you get in too deep? Here are the top 10  huge red-flags to avoid in dating; these show  people with imbalanced energy!  Each of these, alone, are not necessarily indicative of a narcissist, sociopath, jerk or manipulator… but they do point to problematic energies and patterns of behaviour that merit your attention, extra care and attention. If you’ve ever dated someone who seemed wonderful at first, but who then disappeared or treated you poorly later, — this list is for you:

1) I’m Your Soulmate

* Early declarations of emotional attachment (I love you, I could marry you, I will never treat you like your other terrible boyfriends… I’m different) Believe it or not, there are people who are so eager to form connections or bonds for various reasons, that they will throw taking sane emotional growth steps right out the window and say things like this .. even on a first date! Feeling an early connection with someone can be intense and wonderful… but no new person should be committing to you (or saying they will) within hours or days. If the person has other flags listed in this list, the likelihood that you’re dealing with someone who will vanish just as quickly as they appeared is high.

2) My Past is A Mystery

* As you get to know a new person it’s important to get to know their family, marital, dating, friend and past relationships history. A person with extremely imbalanced energy or negative motives often has wounding which makes it very hard for them to have (or to relate) a coherent, total picture of their past (especially childhood). Gaps, inconsistencies or the absence of a clear picture is a red flag and so is a report about a glowing perfect family or a glowing perfect past (“I had a wonderful family” with no details whatsoever)

3) I’m Fantastic!

* Watch grandiose/high-accomplishment energy very carefully. People who are amazingly accomplished AND balanced rarely broadcast how amazing they are or boast about how they’re superhuman superstars. — On first dates MOST people are given some room to list some things about themselves that are or seem impressive… but you have to watch to see if this is a recurring or consistent energy pattern. — this can be a red flag. Imbalanced energies often portray themselves as “experts”

4) Nothing is Ever My Fault

* Blame displacement energy. This one is very common and it usually appears right away – even in the first meetings. Imbalanced energy can be very ready to blame others for dramatic situations or problems they’ve experienced in their lives (often most visible when they talk about an ex-partner or spouse) This energy plays out in miniature a lot of the time; for example.. a date who is eager to blame his boss, a waiter, or a check-out clerk is usually also be blaming others for bigger or deeper reasons and they will be very ready to blame you eventually. Listen to dramatic tales in which your date is the “victim” very carefully. If there are a lot of victim stories, this is a red flag. The flip side of this energetic coin, and another trait that imbalanced energy people have, is idolizing others almost to the point of worshiping “ideals” in people they admire or even hero worship while portraying themselves as unworthy. A lack of balance here indicates a disruption in self-connection.

5) I Can’t Wait for Our 72 Hour Date!

* Monopolizing your time.  This one is very tricky because intense attraction between balanced people and highly compatible people can seem intense at first. Be cautious, though, with any new person who easily monopolizes your time, your attention or your physical space or who generally seem intense. Everything about this person is “BIG”

In movies we see couples talk for hours on a first date and lose track of time as if they’re the only people in the world so imbalanced energy can sometimes hide in the disguise of passion and excitement. People with very imbalanced energy (including those with sociopathic/narcissistic tendencies) seek intensity and thrills and typically push for relationship progression that is very fast.

How can you tell the difference between crazy intensity and wonderful passion? A good person will respect your boundaries if you slow things down (even if they are passionate) while a person who is imbalanced is more likely to disconnect or react poorly. (It’s better to find out sooner rather than after days or weeks of a whirlwind romance that suddenly vanishes and leaves you devastated)    Check out my article How to Spot a Romantic Intensity Addiction for more information 

6) I’m Uncomfortable with Real Feelings

* Relationship to feelings —- an imbalanced or narcissistic person may seem EXTREMELY adept at seeming to figuring out how you feel.. and may talk about your feelings and your emotional experiences at length. However, they won’t be able to talk about their OWN feelings as easily. Avoiding talking about feelings, discomfort at vulnerability or emotions indicates energy that is often in “control” mode. The person wants to control their own emotions and does not want their emotions to be as easily perceived by others. This type of energy often does not have much of a sense of humour (especially about themselves) This can be a red flag

(*special note: a lot of perfectly wonderful people find emotional vulnerability challenging.. and some people just don’t talk about feelings very well. This item is something you want to observe in combination with other energies and qualities because discomfort with feelings alone isn’t necessarily weird and can be part of normal guardedness )

7) I’m A Lone Wolf

*relationship to other people — you should be able to observe your date’s relationship with others and their attitude to other people. How do they treat their friends? Their boss? Their employee? Their close family? An absence of personal connections that you can observe (or which they don’t talk about) being a loner.. .is a huge red flag and probably one of the most dangerous ones on the list.

8) Let’s Talk about Me

A date who tells you a lot about him/herself or tells you a lot about YOU more than they ask questions of you (or others) is a red flag. A manipulator wants to craft an image of themselves for you and they waste no time in doing so… they also want to craft and image of how they see you. Asking questions, on the other hand (and listening carefully) generally exhibits a person who really has an interest in you. A manipulator has more interest in how crafting an image and often turns almost any topic of conversation back to their most important topic: themselves.
(It’s normal to talk about yourself on a first date, however, watch out for this if it is a trend)

9) Abruptly Shifting you Back to My Needs

* A person who is looking for something they want (money or sex or something else) instead of a relationship has a very hard time hiding that energy for very long. Sooner or later they drop any facade they are cultivating and get right to the point and it’s often a weirdly abrupt shift. Don’t mistake this for chemistry and interest. For example if a guy goes from talking about your grandma’s death to making a sexual comment — this doesn’t mean he’s just passionate, it’s a red flag!
Another type of red flag is an abrupt mood shift… be it from sad to happy or content to flashes of anger.

10) You’re the Most Beautiful Who Ever Lived

* Intense flattery New dates always have some flattery and complimenting that are part of courtship… but if someone is really laying on the flattery thick needs a second look… this can be a red flag, a test to see what your boundaries are and how emotionally vulnerable or needy you are. You might get a subtle sensation that they are trying too hard. If someone tells you you’re beautiful and amazing, do more investigation instead of falling into a trap of being so flattered that you don’t see this (and other) red flags.    Just because someone makes you feel pretty, attractive, sexy or smart doesn’t necessarily  mean that this is a true soul  match for you.  Get to know the other person carefully. If they’re the right person, they will WANT to let you get to know them, and to get to know you too.

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